Itchy York article

To my valentine

Valentine's day 2008

The Joy of Valentine’s Day

If you’re one of those padded cards, hearts and roses types then you’re browsing the wrong web site. And if you’re going to write in and abuse us for hammering the final nail in the romance coffin, don’t. We’ll just bar you from the site and it’ll all get a bit embarrassing.

If however, you’re still with us then let’s raise a toast to the non-celebration of the fast approaching Valentine’s Day.

We won’t bother with a lengthy analysis of the whys, wherefores and historical significance of this day of amour, but we will say that we think it’s shit.

A tasteful card from a mystery admirer who later turns out to be someone other than the twitching freak from accounts is the stuff of legend/urban myth. Single people are forced to feel like lepers for the day. The attached have a whole world of competitive one-upmanship to contend with. You know the score… you go out for dinner and the couple at the table next to you get loudly engaged. The girl next to in the typing pool gets two dozen roses; you get an e-card of a limp carnation. Your best mate’s bird rocks up at his in lingerie with a crate of Stella; yours doesn’t even bother to call you and goes out with her mates. It’s boring. Staid. You can feel the bitterness from here.

Give us romance on any other day...but leave us out of it on February 14th.

So here are our Valentine’s Day alternatives:

1.Grab whoever you can – a recently acquired new girlfriend is the most comedy option and head to your local branch of Hooters to watch the footy. If not available try Honkers.

2.Book a table for one and spend the night laughing loudly to yourself at the sympathy stares. A table facing a mirror is ideal so you can really show yourself some loving.

3.Nothing can kill romantic thoughts faster than a night at the dogs… One look at any couples in the assembled clientele and becoming a cave-dwelling hermit seems like the only viable option.

4.Cycle to Stonehenge on a knocked off bike and spend the dawn contemplating the baby Jesus.

5.Find a funeral to attend.

6.Carefully select friends who hate each other (actually inviting one half of a couple without the other is best) and invite them round for dinner. Serve up offal. Top it all off with a litre of white cider each and watch the fun begin.

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