Itchy York article

Ethical eating uncovered

Itchy tries eating ethically after a few jars...

It ain’t easy eating healthily. There’s more fresh produce in a Status Quo greatest hits tour than in some of our nation’s eating establishments. Plus if that weren’t hard enough, now we’re meant to eat ethically, too. There are food miles, sourcing of meat, and Soil Association standards to worry about. What we want to know is: have any of the monkeys that spout this drivel ever tried going out to eat after getting pissed? When you’re worrying about this stuff, it’s a bloody nightmare. We should know, we put it to the test.

1. Food miles – According to some environment fascists or other it’s not ecologically friendly to eat stuff that’s been flown across the world when you could chomp on courgettes grown much closer to home. Not according to our friendly burger van, however.

Itchy: ‘Excuse me, but how many food miles has that quarter pounder done?’

Burger man: ‘What?’

Itchy: ‘How many miles has it travelled to end up here?’

Burger man: ‘Ten miles, mate. Straight from Lidl to this spot.’

Itchy: “But what about where it came from originally? What about the sourcing?’

Burger man: ‘Saucing? I’ve got ketchup and mustard you cheeky sod. And it’s free, not like him down the road and his “10p a sachet” bollocks, now you gonna buy this burger or what?’

2. Sustainability – What with all the damage Captain Birdseye’s insatiable appetite for cod has done to fish stocks, it’s not meant to be the done thing to eat fish which wasn’t caught in a way that allows our scaly friends to reproduce quickly enough to stop their numbers dropping. Unfortunately no-one seems to have told our local chippy.

Itchy: ‘I notice you sell Cod. Is it line caught?’

Chippy owner: ‘Yeah, it’s caught mate. How else do you reckon it comes from the sea?’

Itchy: ‘No, I’m asking if it was caught using a fishing rod.”

Chippy owner: “You reckon you could catch enough fish to supply all the country’s chippies using a fishing rod?’

Itchy: ‘Erm, no..’

Chippy owner: ‘Right, well there’s your answer then.’

Itchy: ‘…but, you know that you should only really eat fish from sustainable sources don’t you?’

Chippy owner: ‘Oh yeah, according to who? The media? You reckon all that coke they’re on’s organic? Produced locally, is it?’

Itchy: ‘Well obviously it’s not always possible for people to consume entirely ethically…’

Chippy owner: ‘My point exactly. One cod and chips then is it?’

3. Fair trade – Just because labour costs vary from country to country, it’s not meant to be the done thing for companies to gather produce in countries where they can pay their employees very little in order to increase their profit margins. Nowadays companies are meant to pay their employees what their labour’s worth to them rather than what they can get away with. You try telling our local publican that, however…

Itchy: ‘Can I have a mixed grill, please.’

Landlord: ‘Yep, that’ll be seven quid.’

Itchy: ‘I was just wondering actually, is it Fair Trade?’

Landlord: ‘Yeah, it’s a fair trade. You give me seven quid, I give you a mixed grill. You saying I’m charging too much?’

Itchy: ‘No, I just wanted to know if the people involved in producing it are paid a good wage.’

Landlord: ‘Yeah, they are if you pay me seven quid. Then I get seven quid, and I get enough money to pay Charlie the chef his wages.’

Itchy: ‘I was actually talking more about the people who produced the ingredients…’

Landlord: ‘Right, hold on, I’ll just phone up Birds Eye and ask them how much the kids who produce their peas are paid, shall I? Do you ever shop in Tesco mate?’

Itchy: ‘Well, I try not to…’

Landlord: ‘Yeah, it’s difficult to stick to policies isn’t it? I’ve got a “no talking to smart-arses” policy, but right now it seems to have gone out the window. Seven quid doesn’t seem like a fair trade for that.

So there you have it. It may or may not assuage your conscience, but trying to eat out ethically is definitely guaranteed to make you look like a tit.

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