Itchy York article

Itchy goes to the panto

Panto season is upon us again children... you love it really, don't you?

Bloody Ian McKellen. That’s what we say. So what if you’re gay? So what if your thespy friends call you ‘Serena McKellen’ to rib you about your knighthood? So what if you’re having some sort of mid/late-life crisis? That’s no excuse to go cropping up in panto. When we go to the panto we want to see some crappy soapstar or Big Brother runner up, not a two time Academy Award nominated actor. It just looks mildly condescending from where we’re sat. Thankfully, the Old Vic has chosen not to trudge up Sir Ian’s star-turn for a third year running (that would have interrupted Kevin’s play anyway) and it looks like the world of panto has returned to sanity. Or at least what passes for sanity. Thank God, and better luck next time McKellen. (See how gracious we are in victory?)

There is almost nothing good about panto. Nothing that is, apart from how inexplicably enjoyable it is booing and hissing and shouting from the audience and waiting for the next Britney song to be mysteriously weaved into the storyline. It’s bright and breezy, cheap and cheerful and makes us feel hyperactive. We love it. And this year there are some mouthwatering panto prospects.

The usual suspects all make an appearance. The Krankies are kropping up in Cinderella in Darlington, a production going head to head with the Chuckle Brothers’ version in Hull. Su Pollard (love her) will be in Snow White in Mansfield and Jim Davidson (shudder) is Dick Whittington in Dartford. One of the most intriguing productions has to be Toyah Wilcox and Chico starring in Aladdin in Brighton. Itchy believes this could be the birth of a whole new thatrical genre – chicomime. The prize for Pantomime Production That Is Jealous Of Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother And Aladdin’s Genie So Makes Up Similar Characters Of Its Own can be shared between Northampton’s Dick Whittington with Julian Clary as “The Spirit of the Bells” and Newcastle’s Jack and the Beanstalk with Jill Halfpenny as “Mother Nature”. Good work, guys.

The most genuinely exciting production has to be Wimbledon’s Peter Pan with Henry Winkler (yes, the Fonz) playing

Captain Hook. If you were disappointed when David Hasselhoff dropped out of this panto, we think Henry Winkler is more than adequate compensation. Or, if you were a fan of the Leprechaun movies (and who isn’t?), then get your ass to Manchester where Warwick Davis is playing Prof (no copyright issues with Disney’s Doc in that name, then) in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Well, all this talk of Panto casts has got us to thinking: what if we were to cast a panto? So here for you reading pleasure is our very own step-by-step guide to the perfect panto cast, helpfully arranged in alphabetical order of the six most popular pantomime plays. It’s only a matter of time until we see these cropping up on channel 4. Or More 4 in documentary format, cos that’s how you get away with broadcasting shite.

ALADDIN Let’s get Jordan and Peter Andre to do it properly, the whole way through, and then hopefully get it out of their system. Also, Itchy has always thought Buffalo Bill from The Silence of The Lambs was born to play Widow Twanky. All together now children – “IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN.” “OH NO IT DOESN’T”. ‘OH YES IT DOES’. Panto always makes us nostalgic…

CINDERELLA We quite see this as a bit of a rock opera, so we’d get Courteney Love as Cinders, Bonnie Tyler as the Fairy Godmother (one day that will happen, one sweet, sweet day), Marilyn Manson as Buttons and that whiney bloke off Placebo as an ugly stepsister.

DICK WHITTINGTON Ten years from now we hope to see Ken Livingstone as Dick and Jocelyne Wildenstein (aka Bride of Wildenstein) as his trusty cat. It’s the part she’s been readying herself for over all these years.

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK Who could possibly play Jack The Giant Slayer apart from 24’s very own Jack Bauer. Of course, we don’t mean we want to see Kiefer Sutherland on stage, we want Bauer. And we want it in real time in forty minute episodes over twenty-four weeks.

PETER PAN We’d make Michael Jackson play Captain Hook just so we could see him cry that someone else was getting to play Peter Pan. Someone like Bonnie Langford.

SNOW WHITE As far as we’re concerned, getting Warwick Davis in Snow White is a stroke of genius we couldn’t better. Unless they got Mini Me in there too as Dopey or something. Of course, Warwick would be contractually obliged to speak in the Oirish accent he perfected over the course of six Leprechaun movies.

So there we have it. Fun for all the family. Proper Chrimbo and all that.

Pantos by city

BATH Ruth Madoc in Cinderella, Theatre Royal 01225 448844

BRIGHTON Toyah Wilcox and Chico in Aladdin, Theatre Royal 08700 606 650

BRISTOL Joe Pasquale in Peter Pan, Bristol Hippodrome 0870 145 1163

BIRMINGHAM Brian Conley and Shobna Gulati, Birmingham Hippodrome 0121 689 3000

CAMBRIDGE Aladdin, Cambridge Arts Theatre (01223 503 333

CARDIFF John Barrowman in Jack and the Beanstalk, New Theatre 029 2087 8889

EDINBURGH Cinderella, King’s Theatre (0131) 529 6000

GLASGOW Aladdin, King’s Theatre (0870) 060 6648

LEEDS Dick Whittington, City Varieties Music Hall 08456 441 881

LONDON Henry Winkler and Bobby Davro in Peter Pan, New Wimbledon Theatre, 0870 060 6646

LIVERPOOL Kevin Kennedy in Snow White at Southport Theatre, 0870 607 7560

MANCHESTER Warwick Davis in Snow White, The Opera House, www.ticketmaster.co.uk

NEWCASTLE Jill Halfpenny in Jack And The Beanstalk, Theatre Royal 0870 905 5060

NOTTINGHAM Claire Sweeney and Christopher Biggins in Aladdin, Theatre Royal 0115 989 5555

SHEFFIELD Sleeping Beauty, Lyceum (0114) 249 6000

YORK Cinderella, Theatre Royal (01904) 623 568

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