Itchy York article

All change on the go: get ready on trains/in toilets

Hitting the club straight after work? No time to go home and spruce up? Read Itchy's tips on using a loo in lieu of your usual superstar dressing room to get ready

You’ve finished the daily grind and you're ready for some bump ‘n’ grind. You and the crew are heading out to a club, to down flaming sambucas and set the dance floor alight. Pull some moves, pull some fitties. Breakdance, break hearts. It’s going to be a Big One to rival Blackpool Pleasure Beach, and you need to look hotter than magma. But you haven’t got time to go home and get ready. The usual primping, pimping and preening routine is out the window. You’re forced to get changed, glam up and get into the zone in a toilet, either on the train there, or at the office. So here’s Itchy’s guide on how to look dapper with just minutes in the crapper.

In a Family Fortunes stylee, we present the top three ‘getting ready’ rituals – adapted for the bog instead of the bedroom.

Changing your outfit: Itchy has managed to don a corseted ballgown complete with crinoline before emerging from a Virgin Trains khazi, and switched kecks without even leaving our seat on a GNER choo choo.

The key elements for a successful operation are timing, stealth, and knowledge of the train terrain. Familiarise yourself with the difference between the light switch and the alarm cord before you start stripping, and avoid the loo at all costs if there if a toddler within a 20-metre radius. Kids of this age can unlock doors with the power of their Damien-esque eyes. If an ankle-biter is within range, it is guaranteed that they will somehow manage to find the magic open sesame button, and reveal your genie to the entirety of Coach C while you change your chuddies.

If you’re at work, the disabled lav leads the way in space and privacy. However, at Itchy Towers it also tends to be the preferred destination for those wishing to take their time opening a family-sized can of arse meat.  Which isn’t so great if you’re…

Freshening up: If you’re a gym member, and the sweatbox is closer than your house, then pop in and lather up in the changing room showers while the hapless fools around you grunt like birthing cows. Incidentally, gym lockers are great for sneakily dumping shopping bags and freeing up your hands for more purchases during marathon spending sprees.

No membership? Make haste to the dunny with some baby wipes. Get the wiping order right (armpits, arse, fold in half, shine your shoes) and you only need the one. Get it wrong, and you’ll paint two shades of shite in the underarm area, which won’t look so good when those ‘hands in the air’ choons are spinning. Computer screen wipes will buff your shoes up too, but don’t use anything but Johnson’s on your Johnson unless you want to endure more Sting than The Police. Chewing gum will sort your breath out. Don’t bother with those chewable fuzzy brush things you get in toilet dispensers unless you want to feel like you’re sucking on a midget’s stubbly chin.

Playing some music to get you in the mood: The noises generally emitted from the privy are all the wrong sort of pumping. At the risk of feeling like one of those teenage sodcasters who cycle through their ringtones on buses, you could program your mobile’s MP3 player with a club mix, although through the tiny speakers it will probably sound like it’s being drummed with spoons on the pipes. Try using your comb and some loo roll to create a homemade kazoo with a backing beat of dripping taps. Then again, if it’s anything like Itchy Towers, the toilet itself will provide the tunes by humming with the power of ten tigers.

Dressed up, shined up, and with your party head on, you should leave the loo hot to trot. Come on, the drinks are on Itchy. No no, wee in-cistern.

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