Itchy York article

Karaoke dokey

The singalong sins to avoid when it's your turn to step up to the mic

Just like sushi, Hello Kitty and poop hats, karaoke was born in Japan, but has been adopted  here and warmly welcomed into the loving blancmange-like bosom of Brit culture. Belting out the hits - and misses - with a bunch of mates, screeching your way through The Final Countdown…’Doodle-oo-doo! Doodle-oo-oo-doo!’ Yup, karaoke rocks harder than a disturbed psychiatric patient in the corner of their padded room.

These days you can hire a personal karaoke booth, sing with a live band playing your backing track, or rock out with your cock out in the privacy of your own home using video games like Playstation’s SingStar. But however you choose to exercise your voicebox, you’d better warm up by reading Itchy’s list of five Karaoke Singalong Sins first – used badly, a mic can be a deadly weapon, and we wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt…

SINGALONG SIN 1: CROONING OUT THE TEARJERKERS

You’ve lined up a cracking, cranked-up set list including Bohemian Rhapsody, Bat Outta Hell, and Gold (‘Always believe in your soooh-hole!’). Then some melancholy muppet curdles the mix with a nasty dollop of Candle In The Wind. Picking a mopey melody is guaranteed to ruin the mood more swiftly than a fart during foreplay. Beware that choosing tunes like I Can’t Live If Living Is Without You is likely to make fellow karaoke folk wish you dead.

SINGALONG SIN 2: TAKING IT ALL TOO SERIOUSLY

Categories of Singalong Sin within this sub-section include:

•    Genuinely attempting to harmonise with another singer, or even more retch-inducing, adding harmonies where there are none in the original track
•    Putting the 'tit' in Titanic by holding notes so they go Celine Dion-and-on-and-on-and-on…
•    Mariah Carey-type warbling as though you're driving over rumble strips
•    Reverent, earnest, wannabe-diva performances from musical statues – as Ed Sinclair, owner of Bristol booths Karaoke-Me! observes, ‘Thrusting, spinning, deranged dance moves are hilarious and to be encouraged; the real nausea is brought on by performers who stand stock still and gaze with imploring eyes at their audience, clearly believing that they have some incredible entrancing power over them.’
•    Really ‘feeling’ those touching lyrics – as Ed says again, ‘I’m ashamed to admit I used to have genuine eyes-closed, tearful moments doing karaoke to More Than Words by Extreme – eugh! No one wants to hear you having a public emotional breakdown. Most so-called "romantic" songs make no real sense anyway. Take the brilliant nonsense of Bon Jovi’s Bed Of Roses. "With an ironclad fist I wake up and French kiss the morning"…what??! I can picture it now. Alarm clock goes off, Jon wakes up and wiggles his tongue about a bit in the 7am air with a bit of scrap metal or maybe a couple of spoons wrapped round his hand, before bouncing out of bed ready-clad in his leather pants.' The rule is that lyrics are made to be mocked – or mangled…

SINGALONG SIN 3: DENYING YOUR MONDEGREENS

Yes, karaoke machines display song lyrics, but you don’t need ‘em – you know the words anyway, right? If you’re doing it properly, your eyes will be stinging with rock ‘n’ roll sweat and too screwed up with the effort of roaring to actually see the screen in any case. However, this does mean that if you’ve misheard a line all these years, your error – or ‘mondegreen’ (that's what the people in the know call it, anyway) – will be amplified for the whole room to hear. Cue more ribbing than a corduroy condom: your mates’ll never let you forget you implored ‘Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls!’ during that TLC track, or always thought Lionel Richie was a bit forward for asking ‘Hello – Is it meat you’re looking for?’

Yet in Itchy’s eye, mondegreens are less mistakes, more masterpieces. Our favourite listed on KissThisGuy.com is the bloke who thought Robert Palmer was slagging off fondue-nosed kiddy-fiddler Jacko by declaring ‘Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove’. Inspired. Especially if it’s a modern song you’ve misheard, making a mondegreen means generously giving your pals the gift of a fresh joke to share in the pub for months on end. It doesn’t make you a loser, but a legend. However, trying to pretend you didn’t say it when your mistake is pointed out is a class-A Singalong Sin. Attempting to deny that you’ve just screeched ‘Eeee-wheee! It’s me, I’m a tree, I’m a wombat’ in the style of Kate Bush’s Heathcliffe won’t convince anyone. They’ll just think you’re a proud prat who can’t laugh at themselves. So if you don’t want to be known as a pompous spoilsport, don’t try to eat your mondegreens.

SINGALONG SIN 4: DOG BREATH

Do your friends’ nasal passages a favour; pop a mint before you all share a mic. No-one wants to catch a garlicky gust or whiff of Wotsit-breath during Smells Like Teen Spirit.
 

SINGALONG SIN 5: BEATBOXING

Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-twat. Unless you’re one of the few with actual beatboxing skills (like this guy with the flute...), it sounds like you’re having an asthma attack through a kazoo.

Heard a hilarious mondegreen? Got a karaoke tune that really gets you going, or really gets your goat? An extra Singalong Sin to report? Add your own comment below and let the world know... 

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